How To Raise A Moral Child?

Lists are the rage these days. You may find a list of tips on how to do anything, including how to raise your child. I have nothing against these lists since I’ve come up with nonsensical ones myself. The problem starts, I feel, when we take such lists a little too seriously.

In particular, I saw a list titled, “Top Ways to Raise a Moral Child.” The author cites scientific research on how children behave better when you word your praises differently, encouraging parents to carefully word their praises, to compliment their child’s behavior instead of their personality etc., trying to imply that a manipulation of words can impact a child’s moral compass.

Seriously?

This is what I think, if you want a moral child, be a moral person. Our children emulate us, that’s why they say, “Monkey see, monkey do.” In fact, what you wish to see more of in your child, do it more often! And what you do not wish to see your child doing, better off stop that immediately before your child catches you doing it!

I’m guilty of taking such “advice” too literally and I was overly cautious in my praises and compliments to Lauren when she was turning 1. Whenever she did right, I would instinctively say, “Good job! Well done, you clever girl!” and then I’d be like, “Oh shucks, I shouldn’t say she’s clever! Why did I say good job! What if she expects me to say that all the time? And what if I don’t and she stops all these good behavior?”

And then I realized I’ve been too uptight and it was just too much work to remember something as simple as praising my own baby girl. All I want to do, is to reinforce whatever she’s doing right! Simple as that! So I didn’t give a rip how I praised her, I just made sure to praise good behavior, and be firm when she deserved a “no.”

Lauren is turning 2 in about 2 month’s time. I’m more than proud to say, she’d clap and cheer herself on whenever she completes a song, counts to 10 or recalls words of the alphabet. It’s drilled into her that whenever she does something positive, it’s worth celebrating. She’s worth celebrating.

Does it matter what others think? No!

I’d encourage her to say, “Hi!” and “Bye!” to everyone who enters the lift when we’re out. Sometimes we see familiar faces and they respond to her, sometimes some people ignore her. Does it matter? Nope. I’d encourage her to speak louder because the person may not have heard it clearly. But if he or she leaves without responding, who cares? Does Lauren know she’s been snubbed? Nope. We’re off on our outing and we’re going to have a great time!

Is it necessary to teach our children that some people can be rude or nasty? Should I tell her, “That person has no manners.” Well, I don’t think so. Just because some people are not friendly or appear nice, does not mean they are not. Maybe they had a bad morning. Can you imagine what would she grow up to believe, if I said so?

Lauren continues to greet everyone without reservation and all she’s aware right now, is that whenever she greets people, I’d flash a wide grin at her because Mummy is so happy that she’s such a darling! That’s all that matters to her. And me.

One incident that really made me proud was when we were out in a restaurant and the waitress was clearing the table. As usual, I’d look at the waitress and say, “谢谢！” and we were shocked when Lauren repeated after me and also said, “sheh sheh!”. Even the waitress was pleasantly surprised. So for some people, instead of giving a scowl when people are cleaning up, be nice. Or give up trying to raise a moral child.

Then there’s the issue of sharing. Most, if not all, children do not understand or like to share. That’s human nature. But some children are more prone to being more selfish, and that is most definitely the fault of the caregiver or parent. Why do I say so?

Young children do not understand the concept of scarcity until adults introduce it to them. How do adults do that? Simple. They say things like, “If you don’t do this, then I will give your toy away to your sibling!” Or, “You see la, you so naughty, I don’t love you anymore. I love your sibling more!”

Adults tend to use such manipulative speech thinking they’re able to motivate young children to do what is “right”. However, by threatening to take away what belongs to them, especially love and affection, can cause them to view this world as one of scarcity. A place where there is not enough for everyone. A battlefield where they have to fight for toys, for food, for love, because even the people they love and trust the most, can take it away anytime. How’s that for eternal security?

The saddest truth is, most adults innately believe so too. They believe that whenever someone else gets blessed, their portion is taken away from them. And so, who can blame their children if all they see and hear, are their parents complaining that money is not enough, whoever took their job, the neighbors are not kind etc.

The other day, Lauren started something new. Before that, each time she’d fall, I’d ask her, “Is it painful?” And she’d reply, “Pain, pain,” and I’d gently rub the area and say, “Sayang ok?” Then she’d be comforted and go off on her next adventure. So that morning, she woke up, rubbed her arm and said, “Pain, pain,” with puppy eyes. Hubby Ray knew she was just pulling a fast one, so he decided to ignore her. Lauren continued her plea for attention.

I could ignore her as well. But I didn’t. I knew she wasn’t in pain. I knew she’d keep repeating this behavior. Was I encouraging her act of lying? Yes? No?

But deep within my heart, the Holy Spirit told me this: If you don’t comfort her in something so trivial, how would she trust you to comfort her when she’s in real pain? And I knew, that some things just cannot be rationally explained with tips or advice. And I took her into my arms, onto my lap and kissed her all over until she wanted out.

A few days later, when Lauren sat on Hubby Ray’s arm and he yelped, “Pain!” Guess what? Lauren rubbed his chest, yes I know wrong place haha, and said, “Sayang.” Complete with puppy eyes and angel voice.

That’s it.

How to raise a moral child? Be a moral person and love more, think less.